I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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