I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
