and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
