Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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