Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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