The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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