Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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