i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
