How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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