I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
