did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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