I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
