so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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