So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
