Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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