I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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