watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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