I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
