You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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