she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Two words: blizzard sex
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
