I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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