I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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