I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
