oh god the rape fog is back!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
