Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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