Cold hands, warm shart.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
