Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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