It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
