Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
