Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
