dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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