in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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