i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
