Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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