Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Less talking, more tequila
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
