looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
