your parents love me but you hate me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
