My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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