I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
