No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
