Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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