his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
