you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
