Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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