How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
