You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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