Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
