If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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