Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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