I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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