Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
