When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
